a thought on my father
Note due for 12 feb.
However, He has never understood. I’m thinking of my father now. he’s never accepted his two blind daughters. Yes. there are two of such in his family. what a failure. he seems to think of us in this way. Now it’s quite all right in that we got independent of our home. It was quite hard when we were teenagers. it was quite a humiliation for us to hear:
- oh if you were sighted then you’d do all the things in the house. you wouldn’t just sit that relaxed.
or he used to say:
- in a few years’ time you chris and walter you must have both your family, house and a good job.(whatever he ment by “a good job.” well paid most probably)
- you Helen and Martha -he went on - you will have to manage somehow. Hopefully you’ll get some job and that’ll be all right.
especially my sister felt deeply offended by the bleak expectations of his. In the end she’s got a boyfriend and now even they plan to get married soon but that’s one more story. we both always felt that our father wished he had just two boys and that’s all. he now wants a car, wants money, but he acts as if he was glad with his small pension and a very old car. That is, he doesn’t do anything to gain something more.
- oh if someone gave me a ground or two. - he says sometimes. it’s very difficult for me to understand how he can expect even now that he’ll have something handed on a plate. he doesn’t even play those games on tv or radio. They are quite a waste of money in my opinion, but if he played he could at least say he tried to win something. my great mistake, which i dare to commit even now, is to feel and show contempt for him. that’s not right of me, is it. however badly he treats me. Not only am i for him a child, but also a child that should be quiet. that’s why in any discussions our opinions are ignored. and that’s why we are often in odds with each other. Not always however, and this is expressed in my notes and memories.
written on august 3 2007
I’m sure I’ll write not just once about impudence of my father and this will be not without a reason. I will mention not just once that he stupidily expects that someone will give him this or that. I may tell once more that he treats us as if we were stains on his previously unstained honour and that he never believes in us. It may be. however, I musn’t forget about the signs of his kindness.
- how are you there? - asks he now and then in a sharp voice which, however I’m sure expresses his willingness to make me feel comfortable.
or chocolates: whenever he goes to town, He asks which one I like most and buys me one.
the simple note from 2007 was the brighter side of my thoughts about him. in 2009 I can present rather darker one. there was a discussion in which I told him that he should remember that he ‘ll get as much respect from us as he deserves and no more. i implied by this that he doesn’t deserve much of it. In 2010 I feel at last, something different. no any strong, exceptional appreciationfor what he did for us, but also I don’t feel any contempt or resentment. My parents’ must have quarrelled because they don’t speak to each other. I watched my father yesterday and a feeling of pity grew in my heart. I could easily count the words he uttered throughout all day. He actually spoke to me only, asked a question and I answered. I tried to be as friendly as possible then. after all, I can do no more than just treat him honestly and not punish him for anything. It is not my job to pinish, is it. there are so many things that can’t be measured and told for certain. However, I think: what has he done in his life that now he hasn’t any person that would be close to him? I can’t speak for my mother though. I’m sure she would cry hard if he died, but i can’t say i like their relationship. They quarrel quite a lot and then there’s that silence thatmakes atmosphere freeze. another thing is that if one doesn’t have friends, it doesn’t mean evillness of their character. many great people were lonely through their life. many ordinary people with golden characters were lonely throughout their life. so it should be clear that I’m talking about one specific situation. My father certainly had a chance to have a family that would love him. but his egocentricity and laziness won and, in my opinion, destroyed his life.